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CHILD-DIRECTED PLAY


CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL, Seattle, WA

Children’s Resource Center

ONE TECHNIQUE FOR IMPROVING A CHILD’S BEHAVIOR AND SELF-ESTEEM

Definition: Child Directed Play (CDP) is one-to-one play interaction between a parent and (one) child in which the child is helped to direct and lead the play in any way the child wishes, unless there is harmful or destructive activity.

Recommended Age of Child: Primarily for children ages 2-5, although variations of the procedures described below can be used with children from ages 6-10.

Objectives of CDP (in order of importance)

  • To enhance child’s sense of self-direction and self-confidence.
  • To increase opportunities for the child’s access to focused parental attention without having to rely on negative or provocative behavior to do so.
  • To strengthen and enhance the parent-child relationship.
  • To help the parent practice specific child rearing skills such as imitation, praising, giving and withholding attention for selected child behaviors.

Procedures

Dos:

  1. Follow the child:
    • Locate your self physically close to child and, within reason, move where the child moves.
    • Watch the child’s play activity closely.

2. Describe play actions:

    • Provide verbal descriptions of some of the child’s specific play activities with toy materials (e.g. “There goes the car over the bridge,” “You put the blue block on top!”). You don’t have to describe everything; occasional descriptions are best!

3. Imitate (or copy) some of the things that your child does:

    • With toy materials (e.g. repeating something your child has done with blocks).
    • Verbally repeating, with some elaboration, what your child has just said (e.g. if your child says, “There’s the bus,” you could say, “Yes, there goes the long, yellow bus up the hill.” This is a good way to increase a young child’s vocabulary without directly teaching).

4. Praise appropriate behavior occasionally:

    • Praise behavior specifically (“You’re really being careful with those blocks” rather than just saying “Good job”).
    • You can praise what your child does (“You’re a good tower builder”) and how they do it (“You’re stacking those blocks so carefully and quietly”).
    • Don’t praise too much, just occasionally. Excessive parental praising during CDP can take away from the child’s direction of the activity.

DON’TS:

  1. No commands regarding behavior or toys (e.g. “Let’s play with the house,” “Don’t get out the blocks yet).
  2. Do not change direction of the play. Your child should decide the direction of the play. Refrain from giving the child your play ideas.
  3. No teaching:
    • CDP should not be a time to quiz your child about her/his knowledge.
    • Allow your child to play with toys in any manner that is not harmful. Remember, there is no one “right way” to play with a toy.

4. No or few questions:

    • Questions are a subtle way of taking control or teaching (“Don’t you want to build a tower?” “Is that a tower?” “What color is that block?”).
    • Asking a lot of questions can set up a power struggle (e.g. your child may deliberately not answer).

Handling Misbehavior During CDP:

  1. In the event of destructive, physically aggressive, harmful behavior (hitting, running away, breaking valuable items), stop CDP, briefly explain why, and walk away or handle as you normally would.
  2. In the event of “annoying” behavior (arguing, whining, complaining, bossiness, rudeness, crying, “wound-up” behavior):
    • Stop interacting with child; turn away if behavior continues.
    • Begin interacting only when behavior stops.
    • Praise the opposite of the annoying behavior when it eventually occurs (e.g. if child was playing roughly, praise careful play when it is observed).
    • If “waiting out or ignoring” the child’s annoying behavior for two or three minutes doesn’t work, then stop CDP as in step 1.

Implementing Child’s Game at Home

Time:

  1. Ten-15 minutes. You may want to set a definite ending time that the child is told about. Give child a warning when only a minute or two of CDP is left (“We can play for two more minutes, and then I have to stop.”).
  2. Do CDP about three to seven times per week, about the same time each day (if possible).
  3. Establish a time that doesn’t compete with child’s favorite activity, playing with friends or favorite television show.
  4. Set up a time which can be undisturbed (when other children are asleep, other parent can prevent interruptions).

Types of Toys:

  1. Toys that the child already knows how to use (does not need to be taught).
  2. Blocks, cars and trucks, dolls, Fisher-Price toys, kitchen toys, puzzles, and coloring activities all tend to work well.
  3. No competitive games (can get into winning and losing, follow rules, power struggles).
  4. No books if the child is not yet able to read (parental reading doesn’t let child take the lead).

Setting:

  1. Pick an undisturbed quiet area (no television, other children, people, pets).

How to present CDP to your child:

  1. Explain that it is your child’s “special” time (e.g. “I will play only with you.“).
  2. Children should be told of the time limit, if there is one (“We’ll play until the timer goes off.”).
  3. Child is given the choice of toys or what to play (“You can pick any of these toys.”).
  4. If child says “no” to your suggestion of CDP, don’t argue or push. Offer again the next day. Do not agree to do it only when your child demands that you do it.

Written by Matthew L. Speltz, Ph.D., Department of Child Psychiatry, Children’s Hospital and Medical Center. Based on previous research and clinical work by Drs. Connie Hanf, Rex Forehand and Sheila Eyberg.

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Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and Charles Fay

Love and Logic Book Summary and Notes

By Lily Talley

There are so many parenting books out there and the Love and Logic book is one of the good ones.  It is filled with practical advise on parenting.  It also makes the techniques fun.  Some parenting books, after reading it, makes you feel inadequate.  Although it gave you some good advice, you feel that you are not capable of implanting them.  The Love and Logic book however is filled with encouragement for parents.  It did not give any quick fixes but techniques that you can use over time.  I started using the techniques to the kids that I’m nannying and the results are remarkable.  There is still room for improvement but the kids have positive responses with the techniques so far.

The Love and Logic Book  has four main ideas.  It encourages parents to:

1.  Build self-concept

2.  Share the control or decision making

3.  Offer Empathy then consequences

4.  Share the thinking and problem solving

Formula for high-self concept:

Ÿ         Offer empathy, understanding and love

Ÿ         Allow children to struggle and solve their own problems

Ÿ         Encourage children to learn to succeed through personal thinking and learning

Ÿ         They must know how to handle situations without warning

Share control by giving the types of choices that do not cause a problem for you.  Allow children to make choices within the safety of limits.

Provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering consequences.

Ÿ         Parents must allow children to make mistakes.

Ÿ         Do not respond with anger.  With anger, children go into survival mode rather than learning mode, they think about escaping or getting revenge.

Ÿ         Sincere empathy works wonders.

Share the thinking: 4 Powerful Actions

  1. Raise a child who feels good about him/herself.
  2. Develop a strong bond of love and trust with your child.
  3. Allow your child to make plenty of mistakes and learn from them.
  4. Give your child plenty of practice thinking and solving problems.

The more empathy and understanding we display, the more our children are forced to think about the pain they have created for themselves.

Guidelines for giving choices:

Ÿ         Give 99% of the choice when things are going smoothly.

Ÿ         Provide choices on issues that are not dangerous and don’t create a problem for anyone on the planet.

Ÿ         Always offer two options and both makes you happy.

Ÿ         In 10 seconds flat, choose for the child if he or she doesn’t.

Bonding requires basic limit setting.  When children fail to find loving limits, they feel scared.

Set limits in a loving way:

Ÿ         Replace anger and frustration with empathy.

Ÿ         Replace threats and warnings with simple actions.

Ÿ         Set limits you can enforce.

Ÿ         Give away the control you don’t need.

Real world consequences happen without warning.  Children should understand that consequences of poor choices can happen without warning.

Set limits once and follow through with loving actions instead of warning.  Teach how to make wise decisions the first time.

Save most of the attention for happy times.  Ignore them when they misbehave.

Enforceable Statements:

Ÿ         Don’t tell kids something we cannot make them do, otherwise, we give away power and credibility.

Ÿ         Enforceable statements describe limits we can actually enforce 100% of the time.

Ÿ         For example:  Instead of saying ‘No fighting!”, say something like: ‘I charge $2/hour to list to fighting in the car.  Will you be paying me with chores, cash, or some of your toys?.

Use the Energy Drain technique:  Say ‘I’m having an energy drain’.  Child pays with chores or toys.

Delaying consequences gives us time to think of what consequence is appropriate and get over our anger.

Neutralizing Family Arguments:

Ÿ         Go brain dead-don’t think about what the child has just said.

Ÿ         Choose an empathetic one liner.

Ÿ         Repeat the one liner over and over again.  For example: “I love you too much to argue”.

Ÿ         Walk away if child continues.

Get you kids to do chores:

Ÿ         Start doing chores together as soon as your child can walk.

Ÿ         Model doing your own chores in front of the kids.

Ÿ         Develop a toy ‘lock-up’.

Ÿ         Give choices about age-appropriate chores.

Ÿ         Don’t pay children for doing chores.

Ÿ         If they forget, you do the chore.  They will them pay for it with a toy (or anything you think is appropriate).

Summary of the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay

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HOW CAN EXERCISE IMPROVE LEARNING?

How Can Exercise Improve Learning?

a book summary of

Spark:  A Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John Ratey

by Lily Talley

Dear Parents,

We send our children to preschool to prepare their minds for learning more complex concepts in school.  However, we should also take account that preparing them to be physically fit right now can also greatly help them succeed in academics.  Physical exercise has some of the following benefits:

  • Kids are more prepared to learn
  • Senses are heightened
  • Focus and movement are improved
  • Students are less fidgety and tense
  • The desire to succeed in school is increased
  • They feel more invigorated and motivated

Exercise improves learning on 3 levels:

  1. It optimizes your mind-set to improve alertness, attention and motivation.
  2. It prepares and encourages nerve cells to bind to one another which is the cellular basis for logging new information.
  3. It spurs the development of new nerve cells from stem cells in the hippocampus.

Most of us have heard that ‘exercise improves learning’.  This statement is now backed by research.  One of them is John Ratey’s book SPARK:  A Revolutionary Science of Exercise and the Brain.  Another research claiming that physically fit kids are smarter was done by Texas school research.  This article will discuss Ratey’s book whose ideas were indirectly supported by the TEXAS school research done on over 2.5 million kids.

Spark explains the results of a case study about Naperville Central High School in Chicago.  Central is implementing a program called Zero Hour PE.  The objective of the program is to determine whether working out before school gives the students a boost in reading ability and in increased skills in additional subjects.  This program is supported by emerging research showing that physical activity sparks biological changes that encourage brain cells to bind to one another.  Neuroscientists agree that exercise provides an unparallel stimulus, creating an environment in which the brain is ready and willing to learn.  The students at Central are prepared to learn through rigorous exercise.  The difference between the PE at Central and other schools is that, at Central, the essence of PE is fitness instead of sports.  They instruct students how to monitor and maintain their own health and fitness.  They are taught a lifestyle.  The students develop healthy habits, skills, sense of fun, and knowledge of how their body works.  They want to produce individuals that are hooked on physical activity instead of settling in front of the TV.

Statistics show that children who exercise regularly are likely to do the same as adults.  Central took the TIMSS (Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study) test and scored #1 in Science and #6 in Math in the world.  They believe that fitness plays an important role in student’s academic achievements.

Unfortunately, there is a tendency for some people to look down on PE subjects.  They think that because PE is not an academic subject, they don’t need to spend too much time on it.  The results of the Texas research will change this negative thinking.  Not only did it show that exercise is good for the students, it also showed that those who are physically fit are also smarter and perform better in academic subjects.  Central’s PE focuses on learning how to be physically fit and eating healthily and not just team sports which have a lot of inactivity (eg waiting for the ball to come your way in soccer).  Unfortunately, only 6% of US high schools offer a daily PE class.  In addition, children spend 5.5 hours in front of a screen of some sort a day.  Lack of PE in school and too much screen time increases our youth obesity problem.  Seattle Learning Center aims to follow the same techniques used by Central to encourage children to be physically fit.  We will do this by offering PE 4-5 times a week for our students.

There are a number of studies presented on the correlation between physical fitness and academic achievement:

  • California Department of Education said that in the last 5 years, students with high fitness scores also have high test scores.  In addition to this, the organization PE4LIFE claims that the schools in the inner city that are in partnership with them, reduced its disciplinary problems by 67%.
  • Another proof is the study of Charles Hillman and Darla Castelli that measured electrical activity in the brain.  The electroencephalogram (EEG) showed more activity in fit kid’s brain indicating that more neurons in attention were being recruited for a given task.

Ratey claims that the brain is an adaptable organ in the parlance of the neuroscientist.  Neurotransmitters, carry our signaling and are elevated by exercise and drugs.  BDNF brain derived neurotrophic factor.  Neurotrophins such as BDNF build and maintain cell circuitry, the infrastructure of the brain itself.  It nourishes neurons like fertilizer.  More exercise=more BDNF=more nourishing for neurons=smarter kids.

  • In a 2007 study of humans, German researcher found that people learn vocabulary words 20% faster following exercise than they did before exercise.  Levels of BDNF is correlated to rate of learning, people with less BDNF have learning difficulties.

The brain needs to be worked out to perform better according to a Harvard study.  Brain cells grow back, and they found evidence of this published in a 1998 seminal paper called Neurogenesis.  Exercise produces new cells.  BDNF is unleashed when we get our blood pumping.  If we are not moving there is no real need to learn anything.

We can conclude from the above researchers that the benefits of exercise are extremely valuable for both us and our children.  Our bodies are designed for aerobic exercise (eg from martial arts, gymnastics, and most sports), which leads to optimum brain development. By helping our children develop a strong educational and physical foundation, we will guide them to become physically fit, life-long learners.

Thank you for reading this article. We truly hope you and your family will benefit from it, and please feel free to share it with others. If you have any questions about this article, please just let us know.

Kindest Regards,

Lily Talley

References:

Spark:  The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John J Ratey

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123 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

123 Magic:  Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

By Thomas Phelan

Book Summary by Lily Talley

HI parents!  I just want to pass this on again to you guys.  I just finished this book and it has some great tips on parenting.  I highly recommend buying the book and then reading these notes.  It has tons of practical tips on many disciplining situations you can think of.  Hope this helps!

3 Steps to Effective Parenting

  1. Controlling obnoxious behaviour
  2. Encouraging good behaviour
  3. Strengthening your relationship with your chil

Stop Behaviour

Ÿ         Children are doing something you want them to stop

Ÿ         These are frequent and minor everyday hassles that kids present to you.  For example:  whining, disrespect, tantrums, arguing, teasing, fighting, pouting, yelling

Start behaviour

Ÿ         Children are doing something you would like them to start

Ÿ         For example:  positive activities such as cleaning their rooms, doing homework, practicing the piano, getting up and out in the morning, going to bed, eating supper, being nice to people

Use the Counting Technique (1-2-3) for STOP behaviour.

Use these 7 Tactics for  START behaviour.

  1. Praise
  2. Simple request
  3. Kitchen timer
  4. Docking system
  5. Natural consequence
  6. Charting
  7. Variation of 1-2-3

Parents’ big mistake is that they treat children like little adults.

Ÿ         They use words to explain things to kids.

Ÿ         You can add more talking when they are older.

Ÿ         One explanation is fine, repeated explanation gets us in trouble.

2 Biggest Discipline Mistakes

  1. Too much talking
  2. Too much emotion

Too much talking and explaining irritates and distracts children.  If you show your kids that you are upset they will feel powerful.  You need to be consistent, decisive and calm.

Explanations are appropriate when the behaviour is new or unusual.  When you talk more your discipline message fundamentally changes.  (“You don’t have to behave unless I can give you 5-6 reasons why you should“.)

Tips:

What to do in public?

Ÿ         The long-term welfare of your kids comes before short-term worries about what others are going to think.

Ÿ         Use a time-out place (or the car).

Ÿ         Keep moving, don’t let the tantrum disrupt you from what you are doing.

Ÿ         Don’t take them unless you have to.

Sibling Rivalry

Ÿ         Count both kids that are fighting.

Ÿ         Never ask ‘What happened?’ or ‘Who started it?’ because they are not gonna admit they started the fight.

Ÿ         Don’t expect an older child to act more mature during a fight that a younger child, punish them both fairly.

Time-out does not start until tantrum is over.  You start the timer for the time-out after they have calmed down.

6 Kinds of Testing and Manipulation

  1. Badgering=the child keeps after you and after you and after you, trying to wear you down.  For example:  please please please!!! Can I have some?  Can I?  Can I?
  2. Temper (Intimidation)=tantrums are prolonged if a) the child has an audience b) the adults involved continue talking arguing or pleading to the youngster c) if the adult doesn’t know what to do
  3. Threat=“I’m going to run away!”
  4. Martyrdone=“No one here loves me anymore!”
  5. Butter-up=the child tries to make you feel good, the parent can feel scared that they might frustrate this good feeling if they don’t give what they want.  This is an advance set-up for parent guilt.  For example:  “Mom you have such great eyes!” and then later says can I have a twinkie 30 mins before dinner.
  6. Physical tactics=physical attact, breaking something, running away

Whining is a type of badgering and martyrdom.

Develop a major/minor system.  Develop major/minor consequences for major/minor behaviour.

Lying

2 Types of Lying

  1. Lying by making up stories and boost ego
  2. Lying to avoid trouble

With lying either you know the truth or you don’t.  Don’t keep asking to find out the truth, this just gives children more opportunity to practice lying.  Believe what they say, if you find our later they lied, punish the behaviour.

The 7 Start  Behaviour Tactics

  1. Positive Reinforcement=use a lot of praise tailored to the child, not to the point of embarassment, praise them in front of other people and give them unexpected praise.
  2. Simple request=when making a simple request, use a matter of fact voice.  For example:  “John it’s dinner time.”
  3. Kitchen timers=use the timer to measure the time you’re giving them to finish the task.  For example:  You have 5 mins to tidy up the table, then set timer straight away.  When 5 mins is up they need to be done or a consequence will be given.
  4. Docking system=“If you don’t do the work, I will do it for you buy you pay me”.  Have a source of funds, allowance or save cash birthday gifts for this technique.
  5. Natural consequences=if they don’t wear their coat, let them feel the cold later.  Hopefully being cold (natural consequence) will teach them the lesson.
  6. Charting=use a calendar to keep track of how the child is doing and give incentive, use a lot of praise with this
  7. Counting for brief start behaviour=use this for brief things you want them to do but they are refusing.  For example:  hanging up their coat, feeding the cat

My favorite method that I also use with the kids I nanny.  The Garbage Bag method.  Tell the kids to pick up the things they don’t want in the garbage bag by 6pm.  After 6pm everything not picked-up will go in the bag and the children lose the right to use the item until 6pm the next day.  You determine the time for this.

This book has a lot more tips on how to use the 7 tactics.  My advice is to get the book and use this summary to refresh your memory when it’s time to discipline the kids.

THERE IS NO SINGLE FORMULA FOR PARENTING.  EACH FAMILY HAS DIFFERENT WAYS OF PARENTING THEIR CHILDREN.  I BELIEVE THAT THESE BOOKS ARE HERE FOR US TO LEARN FROM AND NOT TO DICTATE HOW WE SHOULD RAISE OUR CHILDREN.  HOW WE RAISE OUR OWN CHILD IS STILL FOR US TO DECIDE, AND DECISIONS SHOULD BE MADE FOR THE BETTER OF THE CHILD.

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When is my child ready for potty training?

When is My Child Ready for Potty Training?

Potty training young children can be frustrating for parents and child care providers.  One way to alleviate that frustration is to acknowledge that there is no perfect age at which potty training must be completed. The ability to master toilet training is a developmental process. A good number of children are not physiologically ready to be toilet trained till approximately l8-24 months, while some may not be ready until 30 months or older. The American Academy of Pediatrics has specific guidelines for evaluating when a child is ready for potty training.

Look for the following signs of potty training readiness:

  • Your child stays dry at least two hours at a time during the day or is dry after naps
  • Bowel movements become regular and predictable.
  • Facial expressions, posture or words reveal that your child is about to urinate or have a bowel movement.
  • Your child can follow simple instructions
  • Your child can walk to and from the bathroom and help undress.
  • Your child seems uncomfortable with soiled diapers and wants to be changed
  • Your child asks to use the toilet or potty
  • Your child asks to wear big-kid underwear

How can you tell if a child wants or needs to go to the potty? You can observe the signals the child gives that he or she may be ready to go to the potty. If a child starts wiggling or grabbing the diapers, that may be a sign that he or she wants to or is aware of the desire to urinate. On the other hand some children go into a corner or behind furniture and squat, while having a bowel movement. They may also grunt, cross their legs, peer at the diaper bulge, etc.  When either a parent or child care providers can make any of these observations they should then be communicated from parents to child care provider and vice versa.

A child care provider, daycare center, or preschool teacher plays a large role in toilet training.

Firstly, never pressure a child to use the potty. It is best to introduce them to the potty and give them exposure to the experience.

Daycare providers should regularly ask the child if he or she would like to go potty. If the child refuses, you may ask the child to join the other kids while they use the restroom. This is how you provide exposure and experience. If the child is interested, then help them try it out.  Again do not pressure the child. Make sure that he or she can take off their own clothes to use the potty.

Once a child has shown interest in the potty they are probably wearing pull-ups. When he or she has used the toilet for a few weeks, inform them that they can bring underwear to school if they would like.

Toilet training can be a very positive and pleasant experience for both the child and the parent or caregiver especially when they work together play a supportive role in this developmental process.

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