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Sex Education and the Preschooler

Barton D. Schmitt, M.D.
Contemporary Pediatrics
Peer Review Status: Externally Peer Reviewed by Contemporary Pediatrics
Creation Date: April 1992
Last Revision Date: April 1992

THE PROBLEM

By 4 years of age, most children have developed a healthy curiosity about sex and other people’s bodies. They ask a variety of questions, such as “How come I don’t have a penis?” and they need honest, brief answers (“Because you have a vagina instead”). If your child doesn’t ask sexual questions by 5 years of age, it is your responsibility to bring up the subject. The easiest way to do this is by asking questions like, “Where do you think babies come from?” Then you can confirm or modify the child’s answer. If you don’t help your child with sex education, he may acquire a lot of misinformation from his schoolmates. If you are among the many parents who are uncomfortable talking to their children about sex, read on.

THE SOLUTION

Teach your child the differences in anatomy between the sexes. You can do this when the child is bathing with siblings or swimming with friends of the opposite sex. Changing diapers or clothing presents another opportunity. Be sure to include the genitals when you teach your child the names of body parts. Use proper names (vagina and penis), not nicknames or baby talk. If you postpone teaching proper names, your child will become embarrassed to use them as he grows older.

Teach about pregnancy and where babies come from. If you are pregnant, be sure to keep your child informed about the baby’s development. Otherwise, you can ask a pregnant friend to let your child feel her baby moving about. Explain the birth process in simple terms. Tell your child that the baby comes out through a special passage called the vagina, for example. Help her understand the process by seeing the birth of puppies, kittens, or hamsters. Children’s books about birth may help, and so may television programs or videotapes.

Explain sexual intercourse. Many parents who discuss everything else about pregnancy and birth keep postponing the topic of sexual intercourse. Some children who want to ask about intercourse are afraid to because of parental discomfort. You can get past this hurdle by reading your child a picture book on sex education, such as Where Do Babies Come From ? (See Suggested Reading below). These books present intercourse as part of a larger story. If this subject hasn’t come up by 5 or 6 years of age, visit your library or local bookstore. The longer you wait, the less likely it is that you will be the one who explains this wonderful, natural behavior to your child.

Take advantage of teaching opportunities in normal childhood sexual play. A common part of normal sexual development between 4 and 5 years of age is for children to get undressed together and look at each other’s genitals. When they say they are playing “doctor,” “house,” or “tent,” they are usually playing undressing games. This is their attempt to learn more about sexual differences. If you come upon your child and his friends playing undressing games, don’t act horrified. There’s no reason why you can’t turn this discovery into a positive learning experience.

Talk briefly with the children about how boys’ and girls’ bodies differ. That will take away some of the mystique that can cause the time spent on normal sex play to become excessive. After your child’s friends have gone home, read him a book about sex education if you have one. If the other parents approve, reading sex education books to the group will be even more helpful.

Tell your child that genitals are private. That’s why we wear clothes. Clarify some basic rules: It’s OK to see other people’s genitals, but not to touch them. Also, it’s not acceptable to deliberately show someone else your genitals or ask to see theirs.

In the future, supervise your child’s play a little more closely. If he and his friends occasionally expose their bodies to each other, just ignore it. Up to a point, sexual play in preschoolers is beneficial. If the behavior seems to be becoming more frequent, however, discourage it. Tell the children that it’s not polite and has to stop. Suggest a different game. If that doesn’t get your message across, give them a five-minute time-out in separate rooms, or send them home for the day. It’s up to the parents to put the brakes on undressing games. If you don’t, they usually escalate into touching or poking. But keep your response low-key. Don’t act shocked or angry, and don’t give any major punishment.

Show your child how to be affectionate. Teach your child that socially acceptable physical affection with relatives and friends can be enjoyable and wholesome. Set a good example of a loving female-male relationship. Exchange warm hugs and kisses with your spouse when your children are around, not just in the bedroom. Give your child ample cuddling each day. Demonstrating a healthy attitude toward physical affection and appropriate ways of touching can help counteract the overreaction that some children have to sexual abuse prevention programs that emphasize “don’t touch” or “bad touch.”

Set limits on your child’s exposure to nudity with the opposite-sex parent. Feelings about nudity vary from family to family. Exposure to nudity with siblings or the parent of the same sex is fine and continues indefinitely (in locker rooms, for example). Nudity with the parent of the opposite sex, however, probably should be phased out between 4 and 5 years of age. Nudity with opposite-sex siblings also should be phased out, certainly by the onset of puberty or earlier if the children so chooses. Some reasons for covering up include:

  • Children may be more comfortable learning genital anatomy from siblings and age-mates than from seeing their parents nude.
  • Your child will soon be entering school, and nudity is clearly not accepted there.
  • Most families in our society practice modesty, so a child who is interested in other people’s bodies or is too casual about his own nudity can get into trouble (such as the boy who pulls down his pants on the school playground, or touches a girl’s breast).

Teach your child respect for privacy. Begin to teach respect for privacy between 4 and 5 years of age. Stop showering or bathing with your children, especially children of the opposite sex. Close the bathroom door when you use the toilet. Close the bedroom door when you get dressed, and suggest that your children do the same. Attitudes about this, however, do vary from family to family.

Show your child that you are comfortable with sexual questions. Be an open, responsive parent. Use books like those listed below to open up discussion or help you with subjects you find difficult to explain. Convey to your children that sex is an important part of love and life. If your child learns it’s OK to talk about sex, she will feel free to ask more questions as she grows older.

Call our office during regular hours if:

  • Your child won’t stop touching other children’s genitals.
  • Your child tries to undress other children.
  • Your child to tries to engage younger children in sex play.
  • Your child repeatedly shows his genitals to others after being told not to.
  • Your child persists in masturbating in public even after you’ve told him not to.
  • You feel your child has an excessive interest in sex or nudity.
  • You have other questions or concerns.

SUGGESTED READING

Picture books for children

  1. Gordon S, Gordon J: Did the Sun Shine Before You Were Born? A Sex Education Primer. Dana Point, Calif, Edu-Press, 1988.

  2. Gordon S: Girls Are Girls and Boys Are Boys: So What’s the Difference?. Buffalo, NY, Prometheus Books, 1991.

  3. Nilsson L: How Was I Born? Reproduction and Birth for Children. New York, Delacorte Press, 1975.

  4. Sheffield M, Bewley S: Where Do Babes Come From?. New York, Alfred A. Knopf, 1978.

Books for parents

  1. Calderone MS, Ramey JW: Talking With Your Child About Sex: Questions and Answers for Children from Birth to Puberty. New York, Ballantine, 1983.

  2. Leight L: Raising Sexually Healthy Children. New York, Avon, 1990.

  3. Weisman BA, Weisman MH: What We Told Our Kids About Sex. San Diego, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1987.

Dr. Schmitt is director of general consultative services, The Children’s Hospital of Denver, and professor of pediatrics, University of Colorado School of Medicine. He is a member of the editorial board of Contemporary Pediatrics.

Adapted from Schmitt BD: Your Child’s Health, ed 2. New York, Bantam Books, Inc., 1991.

This parent aid on sex education for preschoolers may be photocopied and distributed to parents without permission of the publisher.

Contemporary Pediatrics, April 1992, 125-127.

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Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

By John Gottman

A book summary by Lily Talley

After reading this book, I’ve been thinking that my life would have been much easier if I had more empathetic parents.  It would have been great if someone taught me how to label my emotions and how to deal with them.  Now that I am in the field of childcare, I read a good amount of parenting and child development books to be a better provider of care to children.  I picked up this book by John Gottman titled:  Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child and I learned a lot from it.  I was able to identify the mistakes my parents made in raising me.  I also got a lot of ideas on how to teach and discipline the children at my center and how to parent my future kids.  I will now share with you my notes from the book and I hope you will find Gottman’s philosophy helpful.  This is not a one solution fits all, but I believe that he has some good points that we can all include with our parenting and teaching style.

Gottman states that children will comply, obey, and be responsible if they experience a sense of love and connectedness within their families.  He believes that good parenting involves a lot of emotions.  We learn about our emotions through our families.  He conducted a research on 119 families and concluded that there are two types of parents:  those who give their children guidance about the world and those who do not.  He created the new concept of an Emotion Coach Parent.  These parents teach their children strategies to deal with life’s up and downs.  They don’t object to negative emotion nor do they ignore them.  They use negative emotion as a fact of life and use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons.

He advises parents to empathize and provide children guidance on how to deal with uncomfortable feelings.  For example:  if a child is feeling sad because mom will leave him to daycare to go to a meeting, the mom should acknowledge the child’s sadness and not scold him for being sad.  She should let the child know she respects his feelings and that his wishes are valid.  She should also let her child know that she can’t be late for work and break her promise to her co-workers just because he is sad.  Through this, the mom taught her son to identify, experience, and accept his emotions, and that it is possible to move beyond sad feelings.

Gottman believes that emotion coaching can help a child get through painful life events like divorce.  He also has a strong belief that when Dads adopt an emotion coach style of parenting, it has an extremely positive impact on their children’s emotional development.  Their research showed that a father’s influence to a child is much more extreme than the mother.

I definitely agree with Gottman when he said that sadly, we inherited a tradition of discounting children’s feelings simply because children are smaller, less rational, less experienced and less powerful than adults around them.  I experienced this myself with my parents.  I could not count the times when they told me to ‘suck it up’ when I’m feeling sad.  Unfortunately, many children experienced the same thing.

Gottman listed Diana Baumrind’s styles of parenting and how an emotion coach parent is different:

  1. Authoritarian-these are parents who impose limits and strict obedience without any explanation
  2. Permissive-parents that are warm and communicative but set no limits
  3. Authoritative-parents that set limits but are more flexible

Gottman suggest that to become an emotion coach parent, we could follow Haim Ginott’s advice that parents should honestly express their anger provided that it is directed at a specific problem and does not attack the child’s personality or anger.  Emotion coach parents serves as their children’s guide through the world of emotion.

  • They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior.
  • They teach their kids how to regulate their feelings and to find appropriate outlets and solve problems.
  • They encourage emotional honesty in their children.
  • They teach them to express their anger in ways that are not destructive.
  • They are not afraid to show their emotions around their children.
  • They give their children clear and consistent messages about what behavior is appropriate and what behavior is not.
  • They believe that when children know the rules and understand the consequences for breaking them, they are less likely to misbehave.

Gottman believes that this type of parenting approach makes the bond between the parent and child strong and children are more responsive to their parent’s requests.  An emotion coach parent recognize when they are feeling an emotion.  They can identify their feelings and sensitive to the presence of emotion in other people.  They let their feelings show in a non-abusive way.

Gottman outlined the 5 key steps to emotion coaching:

Empathy:  the foundation of emotion coaching,

it allows children to see their parents as allies.

  1. Being aware of child’s emotions
  2. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
  3. Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings
  4. Helping the child verbally label emotions
  5. Setting limits while helping the child problem solve

Gottman also listed some additional strategies:

  1. Avoid excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child
  2. Create a mental map of your child’s daily life
  3. Think about your child’s experiences in terms of similar adult situations
  4. Don’t try to impose your solutions on your child’s problems
  5. Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes
  6. Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies
  7. Be honest with your child
  8. Read children’s literature together
  9. Be patient with the process

10.  Understand your base of power as a parent

11.  believe in the positive nature of human development

The book also has helpful chapters on divorce, emotion coaching for dads, and emotion coaching as your child grows.  I enjoyed reading this book and I suggest that if you like Gottman’s ideas from this summary, you should get a copy.

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Successful Open Tour Day for the 2 year old class

Thank you very much parents for coming to our open tour day today!  We are very happy to have you at our school and to have your kids explore our fun toys.  It was our pleasure to hear your wonderful feedbacks.  As we mentioned, we have limited spaces on our two year old class and we encourage you to enroll soon.

We are looking forward to our next open tour day which is on Saturday, Aug 8 at 4pm.  If you would like to visit our school that day, please call Lily at 206-799-2845.  Have a great day!

www.seattlelearningcenter.com

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Tips on How to Help Your Child Have a Smooth Transition to Preschool

Tips on How to Help Your Child Have a Smooth Transition to Preschool

By Lily Talley

Preschools are schools that provide care and education typically for children ages 2-5.  These schools provide care, socialization, enrichment, play and education.  Children who attend preschools are exposed to opportunities for learning.  They have the advantage of interacting with children of the same age and taking part in teacher planned activities and experiences.

Children are not required to go to preschool but if they do, there are a number of benefits such as:

  • Exposing them to a variety of experiences and imaginative play
  • Helping them develop independence and self-esteem
  • Helping them learn cooperation, sharing, taking turns and function as part of a group
  • Stimulating their curiosity
  • Facilitating speech and language
  • Exposing them to a variety of arts and crafts, books and music
  • Exposing them to mathematical concepts and the environment
  • Promoting their physical strength, coordination and stamina
  • Developing their desire for learning

You should find a preschool that offers a good quality program, is affordable and geographically convenient.  There are different types of preschools such as the play-based, Montessori, and Waldorf schools.  If you are going to choose a preschool with an academic program, make sure that it is developmentally appropriate to each age group, is fun and stresses the importance of play.  You need to find your educational philosophy and find a school that meets most of it.

There are a number of books that you can borrow from your local library that will help you learn more about preschools and what to expect from them.  I included a book list at the bottom of this article if you want to do some further reading and research.

The main question that parents ask before they send their kids to preschool is “How can I best prepare my child?”  Whether you are a working or a stay-at-home mom, you want the best care and experience for your child while they are away from home.  Your child can also have a hard time separating from you for the first few days or weeks of going to preschool.

To best prepare you child to going to preschool and avoid ‘separation anxiety’, here are some few tips:

  • Begin using the words school in everyday conversation (for example:  Cousin Jacks goes to school and he likes the toys, or mommy went to school when she was young and she met new friends).
  • Read books to your child about preschool
  • When you are walking with your child point out a school, ideally the school that they will be attending.
  • Allow them to be accustomed to being taken care of by other adults such as a extended family members or babysitters.
  • Allow them to play with other children of the same age.
  • Play peek-a-boo, when you leave your child for a moment tell them, ‘mommy will be right back’ and then say, ‘see mommy came back’ when you return.  If you return from work or a long shopping trip, you can say, ‘see mommy always comes back’.  This will set the stage for successful separation.
  • If you know the child’s future teacher, talk to them by name.
  • If you are anxious yourself about sending your child to preschool, hide it with an excited smile. J

Doing all the above tips does not guarantee a smooth transition for some kids.  Especially if you are a stay-at-home mom, your child is used to seeing just you for most of the time.  It is natural for them to look for mommy when surrounded with unfamiliar faces.  If it’s the first day of school and your child experiences some anxiety, try to do the following:

  • Tell your child that you love him and that you will be back to take him home right after lunch (or whatever the last activity is).  This assures them that you will return and at a specific time.
  • Always smile and give them lots of hugs
  • Ask your child how they would like to say goodbye, this will give them a measure of control (e.g. want to say goodbye to mommy at the door?).
  • Act silly before you leave so the child is left giggling.
  • Let the teacher know when  you are leaving so she can distract your child with fun activities.
  • Leave a comfort toy or anything meaningful to your child that will remind them of home and mommy or daddy.

If your child cries the first day or if they cry every time you take them to school, try the following:

  • Gradual separation:  simply stay as long as your child needs you in school, if you can’t stay, ask a family member, your nanny, or your child’s favorite neighbor.  You should stay at the back of the room and don’t interact unless they approach you.  You are there for support not as a playmate.  Usually after a few days, you child will get used to the routine and won’t need you to stay.
  • Shorter mornings:  bring your child to school for an hour.  Try to leave them for that time and stay outside and see how they do.  Always assure them ‘see mommy came back’. 
  • Later entry:  if all else fails, it’s probably best to keep your child at home for a while and then send them to preschool the next year or just wait a few months until they are a bit older to come back.  While doing this, make sure you expose them to people other than you to take care of them and schedule playdates. 

I hope the above tips are helpful.  Going to preschool is just the first fun experience your child will have growing up.  You have done some research and followed some tips, now it’s time to send your kids to school and have fun!

References:

Preschool Primer for Parents by Doris Herman

Preschool Success by Amy James

The Preschool Handbook by Barbara Brenner

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