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Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

By John Gottman

A book summary by Lily Talley

After reading this book, I’ve been thinking that my life would have been much easier if I had more empathetic parents. It would have been great if someone taught me how to label my emotions and how to deal with them. Now that I am in the field of childcare, I read a good amount of parenting and child development books to be a better provider of care to children. I picked up this book by John Gottman titled: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child and I learned a lot from it. I was able to identify the mistakes my parents made in raising me. I also got a lot of ideas on how to teach and discipline the children at my center and how to parent my future kids. I will now share with you my notes from the book and I hope you will find Gottman’s philosophy helpful. This is not a one solution fits all, but I believe that he has some good points that we can all include with our parenting and teaching style.

Gottman states that children will comply, obey, and be responsible if they experience a sense of love and connectedness within their families. He believes that good parenting involves a lot of emotions. We learn about our emotions through our families. He conducted a research on 119 families and concluded that there are two types of parents: those who give their children guidance about the world and those who do not. He created the new concept of an Emotion Coach Parent. These parents teach their children strategies to deal with life’s up and downs. They don’t object to negative emotion nor do they ignore them. They use negative emotion as a fact of life and use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons.

He advises parents to empathize and provide children guidance on how to deal with uncomfortable feelings. For example: if a child is feeling sad because mom will leave him to daycare to go to a meeting, the mom should acknowledge the child’s sadness and not scold him for being sad. She should let the child know she respects his feelings and that his wishes are valid. She should also let her child know that she can’t be late for work and break her promise to her co-workers just because he is sad. Through this, the mom taught her son to identify, experience, and accept his emotions, and that it is possible to move beyond sad feelings.

Gottman believes that emotion coaching can help a child get through painful life events like divorce. He also has a strong belief that when Dads adopt an emotion coach style of parenting, it has an extremely positive impact on their children’s emotional development. Their research showed that a father’s influence to a child is much more extreme than the mother.

I definitely agree with Gottman when he said that sadly, we inherited a tradition of discounting children’s feelings simply because children are smaller, less rational, less experienced and less powerful than adults around them. I experienced this myself with my parents. I could not count the times when they told me to ‘suck it up’ when I’m feeling sad. Unfortunately, many children experienced the same thing.

Gottman listed Diana Baumrind’s styles of parenting and how an emotion coach parent is different:

Authoritarian-these are parents who impose limits and strict obedience without any explanation
Permissive-parents that are warm and communicative but set no limits
Authoritative-parents that set limits but are more flexible

Gottman suggest that to become an emotion coach parent, we could follow Haim Ginott’s advice that parents should honestly express their anger provided that it is directed at a specific problem and does not attack the child’s personality or anger. Emotion coach parents serves as their children’s guide through the world of emotion.

They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior.
They teach their kids how to regulate their feelings and to find appropriate outlets and solve problems.
They encourage emotional honesty in their children.
They teach them to express their anger in ways that are not destructive.
They are not afraid to show their emotions around their children.
They give their children clear and consistent messages about what behavior is appropriate and what behavior is not.
They believe that when children know the rules and understand the consequences for breaking them, they are less likely to misbehave.

Gottman believes that this type of parenting approach makes the bond between the parent and child strong and children are more responsive to their parent’s requests. An emotion coach parent recognize when they are feeling an emotion. They can identify their feelings and sensitive to the presence of emotion in other people. They let their feelings show in a non-abusive way.

Gottman outlined the 5 key steps to emotion coaching:

Empathy: the foundation of emotion coaching,

it allows children to see their parents as allies.

Being aware of child’s emotions
Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings
Helping the child verbally label emotions
Setting limits while helping the child problem solve

Gottman also listed some additional strategies:

Avoid excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child
Create a mental map of your child’s daily life
Think about your child’s experiences in terms of similar adult situations
Don’t try to impose your solutions on your child’s problems
Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes
Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies
Be honest with your child
Read children’s literature together
Be patient with the process

10. Understand your base of power as a parent

11. believe in the positive nature of human development

The book also has helpful chapters on divorce, emotion coaching for dads, and emotion coaching as your child grows. I enjoyed reading this book and I suggest that if you like Gottman’s ideas from this summary, you should get a copy.

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TODDLER DEVELOPMENT

Cathy Malley
Cooperative Extension Educator, Child Development
University of Connecticut Cooperative Extension

YOU WILL LEARN:

	what to expect from toddlers.
	that toddlers grow and develop at their own rate.
	some activities that toddlers enjoy and that help them grow and develop.

TODDLERS

When children learn to walk, they are called toddlers. Usually this term is applied to one and two-year-old children. This is a stage in the growth of a child and not a specific age.

The toddler stage is very important in a child’s life. It is the time between infancy and childhood when a child learns and grows in many ways. Everything that happens to the toddler is meaningful. With each stage or skill the child masters, a new stage begins. This growth is unique to each child.

Children have their own time-table. During the toddler stage, most children learn to walk, talk, solve problems, relate to others, and more. One major task for the toddler is to learn to be independent. That is why toddlers want to do things for themselves, have their own ideas about how things should happen, and use “no” many times each day.

The toddler stage is characterized by much growth and change, mood swings, and some negativity. Toddlers are long on will and short on skill. This is why they are often frustrated and “misbehave.” Some adults call the toddler stage “the terrible twos.”

Toddlers, bursting with energy and ideas, need to explore their environment and begin defining themselves as separate people.

They want to be independent and yet they are still very dependent. One of the family day care provider’s greatest challenges is to balance toddlers’ need for in-dependence with their need for discipline. Toddlers are very concerned with their own needs and ideas. This is why we cannot expect them to share.

Toddlers sometimes get frustrated because they do not have the language skills to express themselves. Often they have difficulty separating themselves from their parents and other people who are important to them. Adults who work with toddlers often find it helpful to appreciate toddlers’ need to do things their way.

Usually between two and one half and three years of age, children begin to take an interest in being toilet trained, and by age three they are ready to be known as preschoolers. By this age, most children are toilet trained, have developed verbal skills, are continuing to be more independent, and
are taking an active interest in the world around them.

The toddler stage can be a difficult for adults and toddlers. An understanding of this stage of development can make it more fun for everyone. This fact sheet lists some of the characteristics of toddlers. These characteristics are listed for three main areas: physical (body), social (getting along with others) and emotional (feelings), and intellectual (thinking and language) development. Remember that all toddlers are different and reach the various stages at different times.

PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT

ONE-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– They may grow less quickly than during infancy.

– They may eat less, but they tend to eat frequently throughout the day.

– Most walk without support by 14 months.

– Most walk backward and up steps by 22 months.

– They get better at feeding themselves, although spills should still be expected.

– They drink from a cup with help.

– They can stack blocks.

– They can scribble.

TWO-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– Children are generally more active than at any other point in their lives.

– They walk, run, climb, walk up and down stairs alone, and dig.

– They throw balls and kick them forward.

– They jump with two feet together.

– They stand on tip toes.

– They take things apart and put them back together. They like to screw and unscrew lids.

– They feel discomfort with wet or soiled diapers.

– They start to show an interest in toilet training.

SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

ONE-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– They want to do things independently.

– Temper tantrums are common.

– They enjoy playing by themselves or beside (not with) other children.

– They have difficulty sharing toys. They may be possessive.

– They cannot remember rules.

– They view themselves as the center of the world.

– They become increasingly more self-aware. They begin to express new emotions such as jealousy, affection, pride, and shame.

– They show increasing fears.

– They may continuously ask for their parents.

– They have rapid mood shifts. Their emotions are usually very intense but short-lived.

– Routines are very important.

TWO-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– They begin to play simple pretend games. Their fantasy play is very short and simple. It does not involve others.

– They are generally very self-centered and sharing is still difficult. They enjoy playing near other children.

– They try to assert themselves by saying “no.”

– They sometimes do the opposite of what is asked.

– They like to imitate the behavior of adults and others. They want to help with household tasks.

– They become frustrated easily.

– They refuse help.

– They still need security.

– They are more sure of themselves than one-year-old children.

INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT

ONE-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– They are curious.

– They point to objects that they want.

– They imitate animal sounds.

– They name familiar people and objects.

– They combine two words to form a basic sentence.

– They use the pronouns me and mine.

– They use “no” frequently.

– They name body parts and familiar pictures.

– They use objects for their intended purpose.

– They begin to include a second person in pretend play.

– Their attention span is short.

– They can hold a pencil and scribble.

– They are very active.

– Because of their developing imagination, they have trouble knowing what is real and what is pretend.

TWO-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– They follow simple directions.

– They use three or more words in combination.

– They express their feelings and wishes.

– They use objects to represent other objects.

– They still have a very limited attention span.

– They can memorize short rhymes.

– They join in simple songs.

– They begin to think about doing something before doing it.

– They have trouble making choices, but they want to make choices.

ACTIVITIES TO TRY

1. Take some time to watch your toddlers playing. Notice the differences in their physical development: height, weight, how they relate to you and to other children, and their energy levels. Some children seem to never sit still, while others seem happy to sit down with a book.

2. Toddlers learn by exploring and experimenting. They love to do things over and over. Some activities that toddlers enjoy are listed below.

ONE-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– Roll a ball to them to catch.

– Provide blocks for them to build with.

– Provide safe mirrors for them to look at themselves in. Talk with them about their reflections in the mirror.

– Let them fill containers over and over again.

– Have them listen and move to music.

– Play hide and seek.

– Let them push or pull a favorite toy.

– Provide wheeled toys without pedals.

– Look at picture books with them and talk about the pictures.

– Talk about the size, shape, and texture of everyday objects.

– Make comparisons such as “this ball is bigger than that ball.”

– Talk about cause-and-effect relationships such as “if you push this block, the whole pile of blocks will fall over.”

TWO-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN

– Encourage toddlers to run, jump, and climb outside.

– Sing simple songs with them.

– Sing and act out songs with simple movements.

– Play pat-a-cake.

– Teach them simple finger plays.

– Tell them simple, short stories (especially those about themselves or other two-year-old children).

– Let them pound a toy workbench.

– Let them play in a sandbox. Give them water to measure and pour.

– Let them stack blocks and other objects.

– Provide things that can be taken apart and put back together (such as pop beads).

– Ask children to name things in the pictures of picture books. Give them the correct word if they cannot think of it.

– Give them simple directions to follow.

– Play matching games and use simple puzzles with them.

– Encourage pretending by providing dolls, housekeeping toys, dress-up clothes, and toy telephones.

– Introduce art activities such as scribbling and/or painting with crayons, chalk, and paint.

– Provide play dough and finger paint.

– Begin toilet training when the toddler is ready. Also, begin teaching hand washing and tooth brushing.

– Encourage the development of routines.

RESOURCES TO EXPLORE

*1 2 3 Grow!*, a newsletter for parents of toddlers, Cooperative Extension
Service, Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa 50011.

*Discipline For Young Children Series* by Elaine Wilson, Cooperative
Extension Service, Oklahoma State University, Stillwater, Oklahoma 74078.

DOCUMENT USE/COPYRIGHT
National Network for Child Care – NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the National Extension Service Children Youth and Family Educational Research Network. Permission is granted to reproduce these materials in whole or in part for educational purposes only(not for profit beyond the cost of reproduction) provided that the author and Network receive acknowledgment and this notice is included:

Reprinted with permission from the National Network for Child Care – NNCC.
Malley, C. (1991). *Toddler development*. (Family Day Care Facts series).
Amherst, MA: University of Massachusetts.

Any additions or changes to these materials must be preapproved by the author (see ACCESS Information below).

COPYRIGHT PERMISSION ACCESS
Gretchen May
Tillson House
University of Massachusetts
Box 37605
Amherst, MA 01003-7605
PHONE:: (413) 549-8800
FAX:: (413) 549-6337
E-MAIL:: gmay@coopext.umass.edu

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Child development chart: Preschool milestones

By Mayo Clinic staff

Every child grows and develops at his or her own pace. Still, child development tends to follow a fairly predictable path. Check out these general child development milestones for ages 2 to 5. If your child’s development seems to be lagging behind in certain areas, share your concerns with your child’s doctor.

	Age 2	Age 3	Age 4	Age 5
Language skills
	Links two words together	Identifies most common objects	Describes the uses of common objects	Uses compound and complex sentences
	Speaks clearly enough for parents to understand about half the words	Says first name and age	Speaks clearly enough for strangers to understand	Says full name and address
	Knows some adjectives (big, happy)	Uses pronouns (I, you, we, they) and some plurals	Uses verbs that end in “ing” and some irregular past tense verbs, such as ran and fell	Uses future tense
	Speaks about 50 words	Answers simple questions	Tells simple stories	Understands rhyming
Social skills
	Becomes aware of his or her identity as a separate individual	Imitates parents and playmates	Cooperates with playmates	Wants to be like friends
	May become defiant	Takes turns	Tries to solve problems	Follows rules
	Becomes interested in playing with other children	Expresses affection openly	Becomes interested in new experiences	Understands gender
	Separation anxiety begins to fade	Easily separates from parents	Becomes more independent	Wants to do things alone
Cognitive skills
	Begins to play make-believe	Plays make-believe	Becomes involved in more complex imaginary play	Uses imagination to create stories
	Begins to sort objects by shape and color	More confidently sorts objects by shape and color	Prints some capital letters and names some colors	Correctly names at least four colors and counts at least 10 objects
	Understands some spatial concepts (in, on)	Understands more spatial concepts (over, under)	Understands more complex spatial concepts (behind, next to)	Distinguishes between fantasy and reality
	Scribbles	Copies a circle	Draws a person with two to four body parts	Copies a triangle and other geometric patterns
	Finds hidden objects	Understands the concept of two	Understands the concepts of same and different	Understands the concepts of time and sequential order
Physical skills
	Walks alone and stands on tiptoe	Walks up and down stairs, alternating feet	Stands on one foot for at least five seconds	Stands on one foot for at least 10 seconds
	Climbs on furniture and begins to run	Kicks, climbs, runs and pedals tricycle	Throws ball overhand, kicks ball forward and catches bounced ball most of the time	Hops, swings and somersaults
	Builds a tower of four blocks or more	Builds a tower of more than six blocks	Dresses and undresses	May learn to skip, ride a bike and swim
	Empties objects from a container	Manipulates small objects and turns book pages one at a time	Uses scissors	Brushes own teeth and cares for other personal needs

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Tips on Avoiding the Hurried Child

This is another interesting topic from the parenting course I am taking from a local community college. It is about the hurried child. Hurried children are basically the ones missing out on play time during their younger years. Instead, they are hurried by having strict and busy schedules, they are pressured to perform well (excelling in academics and sports), and they are exposed to things that their young minds cannot yet understand (drugs and sex).

Some parents feel pressured to sign their children up for as many activities as possible. They are afraid that they are not stimulating their children enough if they just go home and play. Apparently, a little bit of boredom is ok as this can initiate creative imagination in children. For example, children in third world countries do not have the luxury to sign-up for soccer or gymnastics classes. To ease their boredom, they play soccer with their next door neighbors instead. A ball made of straw is used (example of imagination being activated) instead of a real soccer ball.

How to avoid having a hurried child:

(thanks to one of my classmates who compiled this list)

1. Make sure you give you children a good amount of unstructured time. Encourage your children to be children. Give them lots of free time to explore their worlds and play. Sometimes, you can get involved with them in this play. Other times, leave them alone to use their imagination and play on their own. Knowing that there is a link between boredom and creativity means that sometimes, we need to set the stage for kids to initiate the play.

2. Before signing your child up for the next class or activity, talk with them and ask a few questions. For example: “What is your favorite thing about this (class, sport, event)?”, ” What do you wish you had more time to do?”, “Why do you want to be involved in this?”, “What are you willing to give up in order to have time to be involved?”, After the discussion, review his or her answers and evaluate the true desire or lack thereof to guide you in making future plans. I thought this was a great list of questions to consider when signing your children up for activities. Give your children a few days to think about it so they can make an informed decision.

3. Parents should appreciate each of their children for their individual talents, interests, and abilities. Try to involve them in activities that would not have a negative impact in your family schedule. There are some things you can just do at home with your children to encourage and use their special talents. It doesn’t always have to be a class outside of the home.

4. “ It is our job as parents to know where our children are, who their friends are, as well as what they are reading, watching on television, viewing on the Internet, listening to, and being influenced by.” I liked the idea of not viewing as much TV. We need to remember that they are better off left to their own devices and find something to do, than to just plop them in front of the TV.

5. Practice saying “I love you” to one another. It’s absolutely impossible to say those three words and be frantic at the same time. I love the idea of making sure these words are spoken frequently in the home. It is true that you can’t say them when you are crazy and running around. Also, just slowing down in general and trying to have a calm presence helps.

6. Finally, we are not just talking about “the hurried child” here but also “the hurried parent”. I think we need to look carefully at our own schedules and make sure we aren’t doing too much outside the home. It is hard to balance time alone with each individual child in the family, play time for the kids, structured activities for the kids, alone time for each parent, date night for parents, and then family time. There just aren’t enough hours in a week to make sure all those needs are met,. The goal I think is to continue to be aware of how every individual is feeling and see what can be adjusted if the balance gets out of whack. Good food for thought!

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Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and Charles Fay

Love and Logic Book Summary and Notes

By Lily Talley

There are so many parenting books out there and the Love and Logic book is one of the good ones. It is filled with practical advise on parenting. It also makes the techniques fun. Some parenting books, after reading it, makes you feel inadequate. Although it gave you some good advice, you feel that you are not capable of implanting them. The Love and Logic book however is filled with encouragement for parents. It did not give any quick fixes but techniques that you can use over time. I started using the techniques to the kids that I’m nannying and the results are remarkable. There is still room for improvement but the kids have positive responses with the techniques so far.

The Love and Logic Book has four main ideas. It encourages parents to:

1. Build self-concept

2. Share the control or decision making

3. Offer Empathy then consequences

4. Share the thinking and problem solving

Formula for high-self concept:

Offer empathy, understanding and love

Allow children to struggle and solve their own problems

Encourage children to learn to succeed through personal thinking and learning

They must know how to handle situations without warning

Share control by giving the types of choices that do not cause a problem for you. Allow children to make choices within the safety of limits.

Provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering consequences.

Parents must allow children to make mistakes.

Do not respond with anger. With anger, children go into survival mode rather than learning mode, they think about escaping or getting revenge.

Sincere empathy works wonders.

Share the thinking: 4 Powerful Actions

Raise a child who feels good about him/herself.
Develop a strong bond of love and trust with your child.
Allow your child to make plenty of mistakes and learn from them.
Give your child plenty of practice thinking and solving problems.

The more empathy and understanding we display, the more our children are forced to think about the pain they have created for themselves.

Guidelines for giving choices:

Give 99% of the choice when things are going smoothly.

Provide choices on issues that are not dangerous and don’t create a problem for anyone on the planet.

Always offer two options and both makes you happy.

In 10 seconds flat, choose for the child if he or she doesn’t.

Bonding requires basic limit setting. When children fail to find loving limits, they feel scared.

Set limits in a loving way:

Replace anger and frustration with empathy.

Replace threats and warnings with simple actions.

Set limits you can enforce.

Give away the control you don’t need.

Real world consequences happen without warning. Children should understand that consequences of poor choices can happen without warning.

Set limits once and follow through with loving actions instead of warning. Teach how to make wise decisions the first time.

Save most of the attention for happy times. Ignore them when they misbehave.

Enforceable Statements:

Don’t tell kids something we cannot make them do, otherwise, we give away power and credibility.

Enforceable statements describe limits we can actually enforce 100% of the time.

For example: Instead of saying ‘No fighting!”, say something like: ‘I charge $2/hour to list to fighting in the car. Will you be paying me with chores, cash, or some of your toys?.

Use the Energy Drain technique: Say ‘I’m having an energy drain’. Child pays with chores or toys.

Delaying consequences gives us time to think of what consequence is appropriate and get over our anger.

Neutralizing Family Arguments:

Go brain dead-don’t think about what the child has just said.

Choose an empathetic one liner.

Repeat the one liner over and over again. For example: “I love you too much to argue”.

Walk away if child continues.

Get you kids to do chores:

Start doing chores together as soon as your child can walk.

Model doing your own chores in front of the kids.

Develop a toy ‘lock-up’.

Give choices about age-appropriate chores.

Don’t pay children for doing chores.

If they forget, you do the chore. They will them pay for it with a toy (or anything you think is appropriate).

Summary of the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay

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