Barton D. Schmitt, M.D.
Contemporary Pediatrics
Peer Review Status: Externally Peer Reviewed by Contemporary Pediatrics
Creation Date: April 1992
Last Revision Date: April 1992
THE PROBLEM
By 4 years of age, most children have developed a healthy curiosity about sex and other people’s bodies. They ask a variety of questions, such as “How come I don’t have a penis?” and they need honest, brief answers (“Because you have a vagina instead”). If your child doesn’t ask sexual questions by 5 years of age, it is your responsibility to bring up the subject. The easiest way to do this is by asking questions like, “Where do you think babies come from?” Then you can confirm or modify the child’s answer. If you don’t help your child with sex education, he may acquire a lot of misinformation from his schoolmates. If you are among the many parents who are uncomfortable talking to their children about sex, read on.
THE SOLUTION
Teach your child the differences in anatomy between the sexes. You can do this when the child is bathing with siblings or swimming with friends of the opposite sex. Changing diapers or clothing presents another opportunity. Be sure to include the genitals when you teach your child the names of body parts. Use proper names (vagina and penis), not nicknames or baby talk. If you postpone teaching proper names, your child will become embarrassed to use them as he grows older.
Teach about pregnancy and where babies come from. If you are pregnant, be sure to keep your child informed about the baby’s development. Otherwise, you can ask a pregnant friend to let your child feel her baby moving about. Explain the birth process in simple terms. Tell your child that the baby comes out through a special passage called the vagina, for example. Help her understand the process by seeing the birth of puppies, kittens, or hamsters. Children’s books about birth may help, and so may television programs or videotapes.
Explain sexual intercourse. Many parents who discuss everything else about pregnancy and birth keep postponing the topic of sexual intercourse. Some children who want to ask about intercourse are afraid to because of parental discomfort. You can get past this hurdle by reading your child a picture book on sex education, such as Where Do Babies Come From ? (See Suggested Reading below). These books present intercourse as part of a larger story. If this subject hasn’t come up by 5 or 6 years of age, visit your library or local bookstore. The longer you wait, the less likely it is that you will be the one who explains this wonderful, natural behavior to your child.
Take advantage of teaching opportunities in normal childhood sexual play. A common part of normal sexual development between 4 and 5 years of age is for children to get undressed together and look at each other’s genitals. When they say they are playing “doctor,” “house,” or “tent,” they are usually playing undressing games. This is their attempt to learn more about sexual differences. If you come upon your child and his friends playing undressing games, don’t act horrified. There’s no reason why you can’t turn this discovery into a positive learning experience.
Talk briefly with the children about how boys’ and girls’ bodies differ. That will take away some of the mystique that can cause the time spent on normal sex play to become excessive. After your child’s friends have gone home, read him a book about sex education if you have one. If the other parents approve, reading sex education books to the group will be even more helpful.
Tell your child that genitals are private. That’s why we wear clothes. Clarify some basic rules: It’s OK to see other people’s genitals, but not to touch them. Also, it’s not acceptable to deliberately show someone else your genitals or ask to see theirs.
In the future, supervise your child’s play a little more closely. If he and his friends occasionally expose their bodies to each other, just ignore it. Up to a point, sexual play in preschoolers is beneficial. If the behavior seems to be becoming more frequent, however, discourage it. Tell the children that it’s not polite and has to stop. Suggest a different game. If that doesn’t get your message across, give them a five-minute time-out in separate rooms, or send them home for the day. It’s up to the parents to put the brakes on undressing games. If you don’t, they usually escalate into touching or poking. But keep your response low-key. Don’t act shocked or angry, and don’t give any major punishment.
Show your child how to be affectionate. Teach your child that socially acceptable physical affection with relatives and friends can be enjoyable and wholesome. Set a good example of a loving female-male relationship. Exchange warm hugs and kisses with your spouse when your children are around, not just in the bedroom. Give your child ample cuddling each day. Demonstrating a healthy attitude toward physical affection and appropriate ways of touching can help counteract the overreaction that some children have to sexual abuse prevention programs that emphasize “don’t touch” or “bad touch.”
Set limits on your child’s exposure to nudity with the opposite-sex parent. Feelings about nudity vary from family to family. Exposure to nudity with siblings or the parent of the same sex is fine and continues indefinitely (in locker rooms, for example). Nudity with the parent of the opposite sex, however, probably should be phased out between 4 and 5 years of age. Nudity with opposite-sex siblings also should be phased out, certainly by the onset of puberty or earlier if the children so chooses. Some reasons for covering up include:
- Children may be more comfortable learning genital anatomy from siblings and age-mates than from seeing their parents nude.
- Your child will soon be entering school, and nudity is clearly not accepted there.
- Most families in our society practice modesty, so a child who is interested in other people’s bodies or is too casual about his own nudity can get into trouble (such as the boy who pulls down his pants on the school playground, or touches a girl’s breast).
Teach your child respect for privacy. Begin to teach respect for privacy between 4 and 5 years of age. Stop showering or bathing with your children, especially children of the opposite sex. Close the bathroom door when you use the toilet. Close the bedroom door when you get dressed, and suggest that your children do the same. Attitudes about this, however, do vary from family to family.
Show your child that you are comfortable with sexual questions. Be an open, responsive parent. Use books like those listed below to open up discussion or help you with subjects you find difficult to explain. Convey to your children that sex is an important part of love and life. If your child learns it’s OK to talk about sex, she will feel free to ask more questions as she grows older.
Call our office during regular hours if:
- Your child won’t stop touching other children’s genitals.
- Your child tries to undress other children.
- Your child to tries to engage younger children in sex play.
- Your child repeatedly shows his genitals to others after being told not to.
- Your child persists in masturbating in public even after you’ve told him not to.
- You feel your child has an excessive interest in sex or nudity.
- You have other questions or concerns.
- Gordon S, Gordon J: Did the Sun Shine Before You Were Born? A Sex Education Primer. Dana Point, Calif, Edu-Press, 1988.
- Gordon S: Girls Are Girls and Boys Are Boys: So What’s the Difference?. Buffalo, NY, Prometheus Books, 1991.
- Nilsson L: How Was I Born? Reproduction and Birth for Children. New York, Delacorte Press, 1975.
- Sheffield M, Bewley S: Where Do Babes Come From?. New York, Alfred A. Knopf, 1978.
- Calderone MS, Ramey JW: Talking With Your Child About Sex: Questions and Answers for Children from Birth to Puberty. New York, Ballantine, 1983.
- Leight L: Raising Sexually Healthy Children. New York, Avon, 1990.
- Weisman BA, Weisman MH: What We Told Our Kids About Sex. San Diego, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1987.
Adapted from Schmitt BD: Your Child’s Health, ed 2. New York, Bantam Books, Inc., 1991.
Contemporary Pediatrics, April 1992, 125-127.
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