Author: Annie King
My grandparents were born during the Depression and its aftermath, so social and emotional learning wasn’t at the forefront of the parenting they experienced, nor of the parenting they gave their Boomer babies. Growing up in the 60s and 70s, my parents were much more in tune with their emotions than their parents and grandparents, but still, there was no real time to reflect on feelings, nor the skills to label them or talk about them.
I didn’t see my parents struggle. When they had arguments, moments of panic, were feeling sad, were dealing with stressors, etc., that was all dealt with behind closed doors and when my brother and I were “asleep”. Even in moments of happiness, relief, excitement, there was never much expression of these feelings. The message was “don’t express big emotions in public, and even when you express them at home, do it privately”. I am sure my parents would be embarrassed to know that that’s what I learned from them about dealing with emotions, but that is what was modeled. It could be that they solved their problems effectively and with emotional intelligence when behind closed doors, but I didn’t get to see the resolution, or how the feelings were dealt with. Observing this process is necessary, vital, to learning.
When I was in high school and college, I started to face bigger problems than I had as a child and experienced the natural stress and uncertainty that accompany becoming an adult. But I didn’t know how to handle the feelings that go along with these big problems. This didn’t always prevent me from working through the problems, but at times it did. And even when it didn’t stop me from being a successful student, participating in extra-curricular activities, or having a social life, I was followed by the emotional baggage that wasn’t dealt with when it was happening.
In short, this is why the study of social and emotional learning is so interesting to me, and why I think it is so important to teach starting at birth. I hope that by the end of this post, you will feel as strongly about it as I do.
Social and emotional learning (SEL) is the process through which children and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitudes, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions.¹ SEL is divided into five core competencies. Check out this diagram, then we will dive deeper into each component.
(Core…)
The first competency is self-management. Self-management is the ability to successfully regulate one’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in different situations (Core…). Examples of this include taking deep breaths when crying or finding one’s own space when upset.
The second competency is self-awareness, which is the ability to accurately recognize one’s own emotions and thoughts and how they influence behavior (Core…). We see this when someone says “ugh, I am feeling so frustrated” or after running and jumping, noting that they did that because he or she “felt really excited”
The following competency is social awareness; the ability to take the perspective of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds and cultures (Core…). This is a big leap, but this can be bridged by continued support in the first two competencies. Even as adults, we struggle to approach situations and people with empathy, and act in a way that takes diverse perspectives and cultures into account.
The fourth SEL competency is relationship skills, defined as, the ability to establish and maintain healthy and rewarding relationships with diverse individuals and groups (Core…). You can see how each competency builds on the ones that precede it. If we cannot regulate and label our emotions, or if we cannot be social aware of other ideas, backgrounds, or cultures, we cannot possibly maintain healthy relationships.
The final component to social and emotional learning is responsible decision-making. This is the ability to make constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions based on ethical standards, safety concerns, and social norms (Core…). With a strong foundation from the first four competencies, people can be responsible decision makers. Unfortunately, we often want people to automatically be responsible decision makers, without giving them the tools to master the skills of self-management, self-awareness, social awareness, or relationship skills first.
So how do children learn SEL?
Children learn about emotions and social behaviors through direct instruction, by observing what others do and say, and by attending to how others react and respond to their expressions and behaviors. Most importantly, your children look to you (and us teachers/other adults who care for them) to see how to handle things. If you spill a glass of milk and curse, most likely, then next time your child spills milk you will hear that same expression come out of that sweet little mouth of theirs. (We have all been there!)
The following are ways in which we support SEL in the classroom, which can also be how you support it at home:
- Give explicit instructions
- Provide scaffolding
- Practice through books
- Model rules and expectations
- Validate and encourage the expression of feelings
- Guide children toward reflection
There has been a fair amount of research conducted over the years about social and emotional learning, and the importance of emotional intelligent children. Dr. John Gottman is one of these pioneer researchers in SEL. Research by Gottman shows that emotional awareness and the ability to manage feelings will determine how successful and happy our children are throughout life, even more than their IQ. Being an Emotion Coach to our kids has positive and long-lasting effects, providing a buffer for the complexities of life that allows them to be more confident, intelligent, and well-rounded individuals (Gottman 2015).
Gottman provides three “dos and don’ts” of raising an emotionally intelligent child:
- Do recognize negative emotions as an opportunity to connect.
- Don’t punish, dismiss, or scold your child for being emotional.
- Do help your child label their emotions.
- Don’t convey judgment or frustration.
- Do set limits and problem-solve.
- Don’t underestimate your child’s ability to learn and grow.
(Gottman 2015)
All this information is of incredible value to us educators and parents, but it is easy to look at things from a theoretical standpoint. How does this look in real life when you are overworked, dealing with life during a pandemic, parenting, and more?
Here is an example of how I have modeled: One day in Sunshine I spilt the entire container of milk while serving lunch. I mean, the entire thing. On me, on the floor, on the table and chairs. I said “Oh, gosh! Look what I did! I spilled ALL the milk! Ugh that’s frustrating and pretty embarrassing. I am also feeling a little upset that I made this big mess that I have to clean up now.” Then I took some visible and audible deep breaths. “Okay, that feels better. Now I am ready to clean it up. Spills happen and I can fix this problem.” Then I did. This probably sounds silly and an over-exaggeration of a reaction but showing the students how to appropriately express and label these feelings, and how that leads to calm problem solving and self-regulation.
We often see SEL teaching moments when a child is having big emotions. Sometimes the cause of these big feelings is obvious; a friend stole my toy, I fell and hurt my hands and knees, I am tired, etc. Other times, it is not clear, and when dealing with kids who are still learning how to speak, telling us “why” sometimes isn’t realistic or even possible. Here is another example: One day I was taking a Sunshine friend potty when they woke up from nap. This friend woke up unhappy, emotional, and crying. First, she expressed, “I want mommy and daddy!”, then when in the bathroom she saw a scrape on her knee from earlier in the day she said, “Ow my knee hurts”. After both times, I repeated what she said back to her to let her know that I heard what she said: “I hear your knee is hurting you. That must be uncomfortable and maybe even painful. I am here to help you. How does it make you feel?” Despite no answer, I know that she began examining how she was feeling. Then we problem solved together: “What do you think would help you feel better? Hm… Would a hug help? No. Do you want to take deep breaths together? No. Would you like a bandaid? No. Would you like an ice pack? Yeah, I want an ice pack.” Maybe her knee didn’t even hurt anymore, maybe she really was missing mom and dad, maybe her body wasn’t really ready to wake up, but with support and guidance, she found a solution that she thought would help her manage her feelings, and it did.
It is not easy to reteach yourself something that has been a part of your life for decades, and to not naturally model what parenting you experienced, but once you get the hang of it, it really does make things so much easier. And as Gottman put it, social-emotional intelligence better predicts a happy, healthy, and successful future even more than IQ, and we all want that for all our kids (Gottman 2015).
We have lots of additional resources at school on SEL, including books, articles, and websites if you are interested. One of our favorite activities is making a feeling faces book; a picture book of all the kids making different faces with emotion labels. The kids love making and looking at it, so try it out at home!
Works Cited
“Core SEL Competencies.” Collaborative Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning, casel.org/core-competencies/.
Gottman, John Mordechai, et al. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2015.
“It is a happy talent to know how to play.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
